Things have changed a lot since you left, Paco, but right now, life is good. I'm in a really good place; I have a perfect home, an amazing partner, and a great job. There's not much to complain about... well there shouldn't be.
I find myself saddened by one, seemingly tiny thing: my cup of coffee in the morning.
It was our routine for over two years, to wake up, have your num-nums, and then sit together while I drank my coffee and we waited the hour until you could be fed. Recently, I decided to quit caffeine. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I could. I did so, and was proud of myself, but I was so sad and couldn't really figure out why. I felt as though I could cry at any point in the last two weeks, but for a reason I couldn't understand. Last year was so bad, that I just assumed it was old feelings resurfacing for the first time, but it wasn't until one morning a few days ago that it hit me - I was sad about not having my coffee.
How could this silly thing be what's making me so sad? I can't really explain it. I suppose that cup of coffee means so much more to me than what's inside. It was the whole routine: make coffee, hang out with you and then start my day. I just remember sitting on the couch with you at our summer house last year, basking in the sunlight that April had to offer and just soaking in what precious time I had left with you. I was going through some intense personal shit, aside from you, but that never mattered in our last months together, it was always about you.
You'd just sit beside me and go to sleep. It's as though we both knew that your time was coming to an end, and deep down we were both ok with it, so we enjoyed every moment we had left. There was sadness there, but it was hidden by the sheer pleasure that my morning routine brought to me, because my morning routine was all about you.
I don't know how time flies so quickly, but it's already been 9 months since you went to be with your brother. A piece of me is still missing, never able to be replaced. You boys were everything to me. Thank you.
I hope you two are enjoying the sun up at the Bridge. I promise I'll see you again one day. Until then, I'll have you at my side every morning that I sit and sip on my coffee.