Last time I experience this, my dad told me that the firsts were the hardest. The first walk without him, the first car ride, the first supper without him and so on. Yesterday, as I walked the dogs, and then took them to the forest, I didn't feel that longing for Mr. P. Paco has been sick for a long time and it had been awhile since he'd been on a real walk with us. I mean, I used to take all of the dogs for walks when I lived down the street, but Paco would only go so far, and then he'd go for a carry. It was pretty cute, but the fact of the matter is that I missed him a long time ago, so I've already dealt with the emotions of missing him.
Then I woke up, alone, without my boy in my arms. I just started crying. That first was the worst of any firsts. Paco would always be curled up next to me, and as his disease got worse and worse, he would be attached to me even more so. It was more comfortable for his little heart to keep his head slightly raised, so more often than not, I'd wake up with him in my arms and with his head up on my shoulder. It was a dream come true. As a little girl, I had always wanted my stuffed animals to be alive, so I could get a real cuddle. That was Paco, my real life stuffed animal, always at my side.
I've been floating around the last few days, not really knowing where I am, or how I got there. I'm just sort of there, trusting in this process that we call grieving, and trying to mend my broken heart.
Then I woke up, alone, without my boy in my arms. I just started crying. That first was the worst of any firsts. Paco would always be curled up next to me, and as his disease got worse and worse, he would be attached to me even more so. It was more comfortable for his little heart to keep his head slightly raised, so more often than not, I'd wake up with him in my arms and with his head up on my shoulder. It was a dream come true. As a little girl, I had always wanted my stuffed animals to be alive, so I could get a real cuddle. That was Paco, my real life stuffed animal, always at my side.
I've been floating around the last few days, not really knowing where I am, or how I got there. I'm just sort of there, trusting in this process that we call grieving, and trying to mend my broken heart.